Text Entry #2

Well, f***.

I study a bit over the weekend for this exam today, haven’t been to sleep yet, only for over half the questions to be ones I’ve never seen before… that’s it really.

But in all honestly, I know I could have studied more before. Sure, I had problems back in the 1st Semester and I ended up working most of Christmas and New Year but I still know I could have done better, I know I could have tried much harder. It’s pretty much a shot from the past, back in A-Levels, where I didn’t take things seriously and had no aim for the future and I almost failed right there and then. But this time, I knew what I wanted to do, I knew the cost and the consequences if I didn’t try hard enough, yet I still didn’t. I know I didn’t pass today’s exam (actually, I also know it wasn’t just me) and I might end up having to retake it in August. If that is the case, I can kiss the programme to travel to Japan to teach English goodbye. For this year anyway.

What’s wrong with me?? I only get the urge to try harder when it’s too late… it’s not like me to do bad like this. The previous 3 years I was averaging a high 2:1 - low 1st but now I am doing just so terrible. It’s not just this exam too, it’s other modules as well, where I’ve felt I’ve let team members down… again, this isn’t like me at all… but it’s purely my fault, my choices, my pathetic laziness, my waste of time. It’s been a good damn while I’ve felt this bad, even after the events in Japan - it’s put my future at risk… for what??

In all honesty (trying hard to not sound so miserable), I’d be happy for the JET programme to turn down the chance for an interview - at least I’d know I wasn’t good enough anyway. It’s better than to seem like an ideal candidate for the job only for me to call them to withdraw my application, because of an examination I messed up on the month before.

There’s always next year I guess for JET but I’m not sure what’ll happen by then. Sure if if wasn’t for JET, it would just mean a resit in August. But I’ll feel like I’ve just missed a big opportunity.